"Men always wanted to be women's first love and women always wanted to be men's last love."
The very idea of moving on from platonic friendship to a romantic relationship always seemed absurd to me. Little did i know that i would one day end up in the same category, my mind gets hunted with scary thoughts. My maiden attempt, (and the last too), taking that short but risky leap with a friend of three years, failed bitterly. But, wait, there's more- There and then i gave up my intention to mingle and consoled myself that single Dom was far better.
The girl with whom I happened to distort my ‘whatsoever remained friendship’ by forcefully dragging her into so called “contemporary love relationship”, was a good friend of mine for more than 3 years. Even today, what strikes my mind is our lengthy chit-chat till my cell-battery goes down. It was funny listening to her giving proxy justification to her dad over alarmingly increasing phone bill in her home. Her endless counter arguments against my silly comments on her cosmetic obsessions are still vivid in my mind. And yes! I remember her yelling at me when she caught me red hand flirting with a lassie in a video chat. Once I had to go somewhere urgently and she nearly killed me when I rejected her invitation for launch at her home. I was eagerly waiting for that time when i would spew all those piled-up stack of feelings to her. Inability to do so had always challenged my masculinity. My single Dom would prompt me to take my move while the fear of something going terrible prevents me from doing so. This dilemma always made me suspicious about whether i was ever ready to mingle with her.
At the same time, the idea of simply proposing her by saying ‘I love you’ in some café or natural peace and private place like most people do, was definitely outdated one in my case. I never opted to make my move filmy.We settle on Godawari for our first ever date. That unfaithful day was Bhadra 9, 2066 (as it is shown in the above ticket). The very thought of our first date saturated me with excitement. "It would be her first day as my official girlfriend", i said to myself stretching my chest wide. Oscar Wilde's famous saying stroke my mind-"Men always wanted to be women's first love and women always wanted to be men's last love."
One thing never changed about me. I would never be tired of imagining and repeating series of scenes. I wished the day we had scheduled for date would have calm and clean weather. I thought every path we pass through would welcome us with blooming flowers on the either side. People walking by side would welcome us by their ‘good luck’ winks. But nothing occurred like I fantasized earlier. How can I forget that gloomy day? Beside the cloudy weather, the traffic jammed dusty road of Koteshwor to Satdobato, the transit to Godawari, annoyed us too much. Also the seducing placard and billboard of beverage affixed inside the micro, right in front of our seat made us too uncomfortable. The one hour journey to Godawari was a dead silence.
What am I going to say and how? What if she insists to come close and close? Should I hug or stay still? Should I kiss her? What if she gave me a big slap? Should I cry or pretend to smile? Should I cancel the date? oops!!! I was losing my mental grip.
Since, we both were silent inside the micro, finding no excuse to talk, the small devil inside me started scanning through the ventures it passed through the last insomniac night. Non-ending series of questions one after another continued to strike my mind endlessly. What am I going to say and how? What if she insists to come close and close? Should I hug or stay still? Should I kiss her? What if she gave me a big slap? Should I cry or pretend to smile? Should I cancel the date? oops!!! I was losing my mental grip.
After taking a long breath, I started asking her casual questions about her study, assignments and other usual stuffs. On the spur of moment, I became confused whether I was sharing my words or interrogating her like a policeman does to a suspect. Instantly i shut up my mouth. The only option left was bend our head opposing to each other, though I could sense her several times, prying at me. Being honest, I was certainly not the exception.
After the long silent journey, the micro-bus left us at 200 meter distance before the main entrance gate of Godawari Botanical garden where we were supposed to hang on. On the way to Garden, we encountered several couples walking hand on hand returning from garden. Radiant smile shining in their face filled up my heart with a lot of hopes for the date. Was it same for her? I don't know but now I guess, it was.
Right at the entrance, the environment was cent percent naturally preserved with a pin drop silence. The green house tent remained on the either side of the way inside where one can see siblings of varied genres of flower. I felt like hundreds of species of flora were spraying their natural aroma on us from to demonstrate their warm welcome. As our legs were stepping ahead together, I sensed her hand slowly wrapping around my waist. For the first of its kind, a sharp chill ran through my spine. Everything was happening so fast but for a while I cursed to myself, “what an awful date? Isn’t it me who is supposed to do that?” I rotated my eyeball around to make sure our privacy stick with us and realized that we were very far from the centre of the Garden.
'You never get a second chance to make a first impression'
There is an old adage-'You never get a second chance to make a first impression'. I took that first impression as great challenge to prove my masculinity. We went ahead to secure our private space amidst the dozens of murmuring couples in the garden. (In Godavari for a while you find yourself alone but your slight change in angle of view will lead to the appearance of dozen of couple hiding behind the trees)
Finally we got one at the corner of the hut at the last end of the path. A couple was whispering behind us (may be they were offended by our appearance near them). Hesitantly, we sat together on the bench which was partially broken on the both end. The situation demanded us to sit close to each other so as to fit within the limited space. My intimacy with her instantly raised my body temperature and I could feel her was slightly greater than mine. The adjustment of our buttocks within the available seat was slowly turning me into a docile tortoise whose ability to handle the situation was going down and down. The regular interval of my heartbeat got distorted. Now everything I saw about her before the date normally started to be seen abnormally.
As I was fluctuating from one mental phase to other, we heard someone gasping behind us. The couple, whom we had seen whispering earlier, were having, for a while I thought, their biggest kiss. I had seen such seducing scene only in English movies unlike Nepali movies where kissing scenes are rarely kept. I remained motionless with my wide open eyes watching them kissing to their fullest while my girl sit aside staring me with her “you stupid” look. Forcefully, she grabbed me and wrapped her arms around my chest. For a moment, I was breathless. I took her hasty move as compensation against the discomfit that was outshining our hopes.
After pilling-up some gut, I, somehow, managed to do something i don't know whether i was supposed to do or not. I didn't even noticed how fast that moment slipped out. (Here, I don't want lose my dignified way describing the things. So let it go). In nutshell, I should say, there was nothing left other than some traces of regrets and queer thoughts to think endlessly.
I cursed Hosseni as well for his misleading ideas.
Once I had gone through the text by Khaleed Hosseni in his second novel “A Thousand Splendid Sun” that erotically translates the carnal desires between couples. I tried to match the ongoing sensual moment with what Hosseni fantasized in his book but I found nothing coherence. I cursed Hosseni as well for his misleading ideas.
It's just our illusion that sometimes we feel our life treading slowly and sometimes running at pace difficult to catch up. For a while you feel like you are being too slow or fast at things you do or you didn't get chance to do. At one time you feel like you have no one to tap your back or reply your smile or even shake your hand and at other time you have so many well wishers such that showing your concern for the one makes you feel like you are doing injustice to the remaining. In the above date at Godawari, I felt guilty for many days for not being able to handle the situation in the way usually things go normally. It's sad when things happen against your preconceived plans but I believe that things happen for a reason - and there are definitely more fish in the sea and plenty of opportunities to be had in this world. Just want to say- natural things were going on naturally at Godawari in my case.
Thank god, the watch ticked five in the evening and we had to catch micro early to get to our place before dark. I didn’t speak a single word to her on the way and returned to my room pulling my long face. Since then there's always a big question posing challenge against my single Dom - SHOULD I MINGLE AGAIN?
-Written By Anonymous Author
Image Credit: Ratan
[I’ve got this excellent piece of article in my mailbox. Author asked me to publish this article and also he asked me not to disclose his identity- Aakar]